I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
