Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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