see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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