why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize