I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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