youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
