So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
