if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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