I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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