if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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