Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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