he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
