clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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