You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My vagina is officially offended.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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