Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
