i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
