she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
