I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
