drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
