I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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