he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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