Pants 0. Shit 1.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
