last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So vagazzling was a success
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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