You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize