Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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