everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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