if i can run in heels then i can drive
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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