So drunk its hurt
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
