I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
