you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
