Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you inspire me to be a worse person
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
