During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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