Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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