So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
