Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
