i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize