He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
