I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
