i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
