What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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