he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
