At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
