Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
