as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
