Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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