my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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