period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
