Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize