i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
