Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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