you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
