She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
