I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
