I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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