The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
