When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize