I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
