It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize