No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
