Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
