I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
