He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
