No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
