There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I love you.
Bad choice
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
