ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
