you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just forgot I was standing up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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