My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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