that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
